I'm feeling like a fake...a fraud. Last night I had nightmares filled with bad things happening and I awoke (at 4AM) with a start. And now I'm feeling guilty for feeling so bad. My life is filled with so many blessings. Family that loves me. Friends that know me. Teaching...a job that's more than a job to me. I just came off a week at two unbelievable conferences and a lovely Thanksgiving holiday. There's no reason to feel anxious and alone and sad, yet I do.
It's the transition.
I'm grateful to writing. Writing always, always, always helps me figure out the whys of my feelings! As I reread what I wrote above, I know exactly why I'm feeling like this. I spent six days with people. Six days in a hotel room. Six days surrounded by friends, new and old. Six days talking about teaching and writing and reading. Six days excited about possibilities. Six days learning new things. And now...I'm alone again.
It's okay. I'm okay...I will be. I've never been the person that needed to be with someone to avoid being alone, but as I grow older I recognize the difficulty that I have transitioning. Spending six days with people all day and all night is a huge change for me. In my daily routine, there are days when I speak to no one but my dog Bella. The change is like a shock to my system. I work hard to cushion it. I keep busy....reading, painting, chores, errands...but now I realize all that did was delay it. I wonder, does everyone struggle with transitions from trips to daily life? I'm sure they do. What do your transitions feel like?
This will settle. Life will soon feel normal again and I will cherish the quiet moments and celebrate the freedom that comes with being single. Until then, I cry a bit and allow myself to feel the sadness...knowing it will pass. My Dad always said, "You have one day, Michelle. You get a day to let yourself be sad. Cry. And the next day, jump back into life!" I guess today is my day.