Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Four O'Clock in the Morning

Thank you to Stacey, Betsy, Dana, Tara, Beth, & Anna for this amazing platform to write and share writing! What a wonderful community you've created! I'm honored to be part of it. Join us at Two Writing Teachers.


I woke up at four AM with my mind whirring. 

This week. Busy. So busy. Don't want to forget anything. Grades close on Friday. Two projects due. Formal observation on Friday. First grad class meets Wednesday. Syllabus is ready. I have to gather books to bring with me to school. Blog. My OLW blog post for Spiritual Journey Thursday. Birthday Dinner on Thursday. Dinner out Friday. Snow?!?! There could be SNOW?!?! Don't think about it. I turn forty-three this week. Snacks for Wednesday? Should I get more? Formal lesson plan written for Friday? I should wait and see if there's a snow day between now and then. I can't think of what to write for Thursday!!! Did I pick the wrong OLW? What should I say?!?! (I love the interrobang!) Nothing's coming to me. Everything I start sounds silly and dumb and just plain bad. And blogging...the SOLC is coming soon. Can I do it? Can I blog everyday for a month AND teach a graduate class AND teach 100 sixth graders AND...breathe. Stop! Yes. Day by day. I can do it. I will do it.

Pardon my brain dump. When I wake up at 4AM with thoughts spinning faster than a roller coaster, I need to write. I call this kind of writing a BRAIN DUMP. The process of writing it makes me feel calmer. Sometimes the reason for my panic is buried in the middle of the dump. When I return to those words, I search for the real culprit of all of this trepidation. I think I found it. 

Time for an honest admission. I think my birthday is the cause for this. Birthdays as we grow older can be tougher. I worry about growing older. I worry about being older. ENOUGH. That's the fear talking. I'm grateful for my life. 

The best part of brain dumps is that once I've written, I can let go of troubling feelings. It makes it easier for those feelings to fly away! (YAY, I did it!!!! I used my OLW!!) Please know that pushing the publish button on this post is not easy....but here goes...

16 comments:

  1. I like that you call it "brain dump"! I think we all have these moments. It's smart to write it down. I like the visual part. Get through today, the rest will be here tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think the "day by day" element of your brain dump is the key idea. One day at a time, my friend.
    Kevin

    ReplyDelete
  3. Here's to a good Brain Dump. I love that yours has ended with those troubles Flying away. Here's to a great birthday, and lots of Joy this week in all the "stuff". (By the way, I wish I was in a grad class that brought snacks. This online learning doesn't provide snacks! You are awesome!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your 'brain dump' sounds like my thoughts at the beginning of the week, Michelle. I wonder if others know how much teachers have to ponder, in addition to all the students' needs individually? It's so, so much! Now that you've used your OLW & flown those words wherever they need to be, I hope you have a fabulous birthday week, one day at a time!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I could feel you throughout this post. This word: interrobang is perfect. What we do to ourselves sometimes, huh? Glad you could hit that publish button. That says a lot about the community of SOL! Happy birthday to you this week. Wish I was there to give you a hug!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your "brain dump" sounds like a way of organizing and prioritizing your week. Just take each day as it comes and enjoy it. Enjoy your birthday and the week.

    ReplyDelete
  7. .breathe. Stop! Yes. Day by day. I can do it. I will do it.
    I loved this part of your Slice - the way forward is one step at a time, right?!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Michelle, I started writing about my age this week, too, but then I deleted it. I'm just not ready. But I totally get it - because it's causing me much anxiety also. And my birthday isn't until May!

    Hang in there - remember all you have to be grateful for & the wisdom that comes with age. :) This year, you're gonna FLY.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The four o'clock thought storms are familiar to me too. It happens when too many things are happening at the same time. I like how you "brain dumped" the thoughts and a honest post was born. I hope your birthday will bring you joy.

    ReplyDelete
  10. That was quite a brain dump! Definitely a lot going on here!

    I wrote about my body getting older this week. My feeling is that if I keep my mind young, everything will be okay. (Right?)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey Michelle we were up at the same time this morning as I was ready to jump into the shower and get the day going. But writing was perfect for me. I had to wait a few hours. What a whirl in your head that found its place on this page. Did you start the day freer? Hope so!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I didn't know you were teaching a grad class - how did I miss that? I don't like days/weeks like this. I usually have this problem trying to fall asleep! Sorry I messed up your birthday. I had it in my head that it was the day before mine, not the day after! Better early than late though! I think I finally have an idea for Thursday...it is a stretch but I think it will work.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I read your post early this morning as I was trying to link a few lost readings for my grad students WHILE blow drying my hair and adding moisturizer to my skin....I got it....there are only so many hours to a day and so many days to a year....but each one DOES matter and we GET it as we get older....SO better late than never, happy birthday and may you get 6 hours of sleep most nights this year. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I wake up at 4 often, not quite ready to greet the day, but full of thoughts flowing through my head- that I want to write. Sometimes I do my "best" writing in my head while tossing and turning from 4 on... have started keeping a notebook on the nightstand. Brain dumps are a good idea. And I get the whole thinking about aging part. Happy birthday to you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sometimes it does feel so good to get thoughts out! I can also totally relate to the idea of not knowing what to write and not being sure about writing for a whole month straight. I did the SOL challenge a couple of years ago. I've totally written a post (or two) that completely feels like nonsense but that gets somewhere by the end. Enjoy that birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  16. You may not have meant this post to be funny, but I see your crazy wandering brain and I have to laugh. We all get like this, so overwhelmed that every thought is overwhelming. I did not know it was your birthday but I have an idea for a gift for you. Can you email me your home address? I want to do this even if it wasn't your birthday, but the b-day is a good excuse.

    ReplyDelete

Please share your thoughts. I love comments!